Being Mom, means being misunderstood?

Back to blog writing as therapy today...if anyone reads this I figured you deserve that warning.

I've held this in for a while at the risk of sounding like an insecure 13 year old girl. But let's be honest I think we all have one of those living inside of use. So here is goes. Being a mom is hard. Hard is so many unfathomable ways. It takes dedication, sacrifice, and patience that is tested daily.  We never think we do enough or do things well enough. And well we often feel like we let others down.  (I hope no one takes this post as being ungrateful, as the rewards of being a mother of a child clearly outweigh the hardships...how else would we ever go on?) How else would families grow? Motherhood is a gift, but no good thing comes easily.

Today I am struggling. No matter how hard I try, no matter what I seem to sacrifice to do what I know is right as a mother I struggle with consequences. Today, my heart feels heavy with grief over the loss of friendships and social interactions that I miss and often crave. Life is so very full. Full trying to balance work and home life and no matter what it never seems to be enough.  Friendships and life seems to be passing me by. And it is hard.

Over the last 2 years I have cancelled countless playdates, girls' nights out and even dates due to a sick child, or pure exhaustion. It is not for lack of wanting those friendships, that time for myself,  or  clearly needing that break that keeps us in check, but it is the reality of my life. In Ronan's short life he has been plagued with reflux,  food allergies, 10 ear infections, serum sickness, bloody diarrhea and unsolved GI problems, 2 surgical procedures, Croup, RSV, strep and so many "colds" and viral illnesses that I can not count.  He sees multiple specialists to the point where I feel like every day I am off is spent at the doctor. I am eternally grateful that he still is able to find happiness, and grow and develop normally despite these obstacles. He is one tough little guy and I am amazed at his resilience. Sometimes I wish I had his strength! Children teach us everyday, and I am certainly learning from him.

I myself have been in lockdown the last 3 months - I remind people - not by choice. Up until last week I vomited every single day. I am wiped out by 4 pm every single day. Growing a baby was exhausting the first time around, add caring for an always sick 2 year old who chooses to get up before 5 am every day and well things get really, really challenging. Again I know this is a big whine fest and really I am not ungrateful in any way for my blessings, but sometimes I just need to let these things out. And often when I do I find that someone else is also struggling. Because although we may be different, we are very often the same.

What this really comes down to is that I think I've been misunderstood through this period in my life...and that is frustrating and sad.

I wish my friends knew how much I value you them. That I miss them. That I want to go out for that drink, that dinner, that movie, but I sometimes can't figure out how to make it work.  That I don't want you to stop inviting me because I said no those last two times. And that you shouldn't feel sad that I haven't invited you over lately - trust me I'm not doing anything with anyone else. Know that I am doing the best that I know how to do. Know that I take responsibility for the gap in our friendship. And  I know that I can do better. I will try.  I will call more. I will try to be available more. Please be patient with me. Please show me grace.

I also hope my husband knows how much I love him. How much I miss our time alone together. That I couldn't do it without him and that the last few months would have been truly impossible if it wasn't for his extra help and hard work. I do know how incredibly blessed I am have him as my husband and father of our children.

And now I need to go shower and use this nap time more responsibly...but I hope my friends take this as a heartfelt apology and a fresh start so that I can begin to find that better balance.